Undeserving...

So...I've recently been overwhelmed by the amazing and undeserved goodness of God.....again! I don't know why I'm surprised, but I do find myself amazed by that...maybe because very often my experience of His goodness is accompanied by a deeper understanding of just how undeserving I really am which makes me aware that the gap between what He is and what I am is even wider than I originally thought and that His grace is even more amazing that I could have imagined...

I had it out with God last weekend, and much came out concerning my frustrations with trying to raise funds for getting back to Mexico. In an online conversation with my friend and mentor and fellow staff-member in Mexico, Faith, on Monday night (while at the wonderful Townhouse), I found myself trying to figure out why I got so truly angry with the Lord....I'm still not entirely sure, but I found myself summing it up to the Lord by saying, "It's just a lot, Lord. It's just way a lot." And in that moment, I heard Him respond,

"Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt 11:28-30

And I realized something....my frustrations in this stem from the fact that I come up against an obstacle and I do everything I can to tackle it. Then I get to the point where I need to step back and let God do his thing, but instead of leaving the burdens on His back where they belong, I pick them up and try to do it all myself. The result is I end up frustrated and disappointed and feeling defeated, and then I get mad at God for putting something in front of me that I simply am incapable of doing...DUH...THAT'S THE POINT, right?!

But I guess in my flesh I find it easier to pick up the burdens I think God is dropping the ball on than to concentrate on NOT picking them up and instead focus on walking step by step with him....learning to take steps the way He does...just like two oxen yoked together. If they don't walk in sync, then things go really badly for the poor farmer. But if they walk well together, then there are straight rows in the ground ready for planting and eventual harvest...and anyway, isn't the point of sanctification to walk more and more like Christ and in tune with Him??? It's not about the tasks, but how we approach them and how we interact with Him in those tasks.....

And when HE carries the burden and I simply walk with Him the way He does, then I find rest deep down inside and I get to watch Him be amazing and then share it with me....

...will I ever get that one right? One step at a time, I suppose...