Numb

I'm really numb. I can't make decisions. Sometimes it's even difficult to talk. All I seem to be able to do well at this point is just sit and listen....or....something.

A friend emailed and asked how I was feeling. This was my response:

I have realized that the word "dead" or "died" no longer mean anything to me. What I mean by that is I can't compute them. I think to myself, "Chris is dead", and I find that my mind doesn't know what that means. It's like when you try to spit something out the window of a moving car, and it just comes right back at your face if you don't do it just right. I think death is the same way for those of us left behind. If the person who's dying or died doesn't do it the "right" way, that is in a way that we can begin to grasp the reality of it, then it's like the concept that they are dead never arrives to a place of comprehension...or it does eventually, but it takes a lot of spitting out that window to get the right angle so that it doesn't come back in the window or splat all over the car. I think I'm still spitting out the car and giving myself a bath right now.

Everytime I try to think, I just get smacked in the face somehow. So my brain has stopped thinking beyond what is necessary to get through the day.

I'm home for a week. I flew in tonight, and I go back a week from tomorrow. The memorial service is Monday night.